a peek into my heart

sometimes on my blog i'm not sure what all i want to share. like does my blog flow in a certain direction and is it okay to take it somewhere different, somewhere personal for a moment? i guess with a blog you can do whatever you want, really. i guess i just need to write this for my own benefit more than anything.

my heart has been heavy and it has been a difficult several months. on october 5 i found out i was pregnant again. it was quite a shock since i am still nursing lily. i really did not want to be pregnant. i am miserable when i'm pregnant and i really don't enjoy being pregnant. i was just starting to really fit into all of my old clothes, feeling really well physically, and lily was starting to nap well and sleep well at night, and i was finally getting into a routine around the house and even doing a little preschooling with eva. i was not happy with a positive pregnancy test. i hate to even type that and admit that i cried tears of disappointment about being pregnant, especially when people i know and love would cherish a pregnancy right now.

eventually the shock wore off and i tried to work on being excited, thinking about names, how close lily and the baby would be, would it be a boy this time. i also started feeling sick and tired and losing my drive to keep organized around the house, etc.

finally on november 2 i went to my first doctors appointment when i was nearly 9 weeks along. we did an ultrasound and found out that the baby was only measuring 6 weeks 3 days. i knew immediately this was not good. i talked to my doctor and we agreed that i could come back in exactly a week for another ultrasound to see if there were any changes. it was a long week of waiting and praying.

a week later i went back to find no growth and no heartbeat. it was definitely a rollercoaster of emotions. my doctor gave me options as far as waiting for a miscarriage, doing a d&c, or taking cytotec. i decided to wait to miscarry on my own. i had been taking a progesterone supplement since my level was low on my initial bloodwork. my docotor had me stop taking it in hopes that it would allow the miscarriage to start. the next day i decided i didn't want to wait and that i would do the d&c. then i found out how much my deductible was and shaun and i decided i should wait a bit longer to see if i would miscarry on my own.

in the meantime i continued to feel nauseous and tired, which really sucks when your baby is no longer alive. after a week and a half of nothing happening and me still feeling miserable we decided i should go ahead with the d&c. on the tuesday before thanksgiving i went in and had it done. the procedure went very well and i have recovered very quickly and am finally feeling like myself again.

the difficult part is thinking about the baby, who was this person, was it a girl or boy? why do tiny babies die? why does God allow this to happen? why did i have to feel sad about getting pregnant and then feel so sad about the baby dying?

this is not my first miscarriage. the odd thing is when eva was the exact same age as lily i got pregnant. i had a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks that time. i always wondered if God thought/knew that i couldn't handle a 15 month old and a newborn. i thought for sure this time it was a second chance of sorts. this time He was going to let me give it a shot, whether i was happy about it or not. but it was not to be. i don't know why God does what he does but i know he is GOOD and he loves me. and most importantly He is loving two of my babies in heaven right now, more than i ever could. but my heart still hurts and is still very heavy. what really, really pains me is that i didn't get the chance to see them and know them here on earth or hold them, and that they didn't get to know eva and lily, or know what an amazing daddy shaun is.

someday i will hold them and love them.

that's it, just a heavy heart. just wanted to share a bit more of me.