did i sign up for this?

having kids is so hard. i'm not talking labor, birth, pushing the baby out. i'm talking about fits, fighting, yelling, refusal to obey, foot stomping, screaming, pestering, hearing "no!". sometimes i literally think either shaun or i are going to mentally lose it.

dont' get me wrong, they can be sweet...

they can be funny and cute (lily doing a leg workout with one of shaun's thera bands)...

and they can be serious.

but parenting these three girls is the hardest thing we have ever encountered. this week we have been pushed to our limits with the older two girls. sometimes it feels like constant, non-stop bickering and whining or fit throwing. as a parent it really wears you down quickly.

i often wonder what God is doing with all of this madness. clearly our children need soft hearts, they need to obey, be kind, etc.

but it's not just them.

as parents shaun and i are being refined as well. we are learning that we need soft hearts, we need to show grace, we need to learn patience, perseverance, love. God is constantly revealing what is in my heart (and shaun's) as we deal with our girls. and what is revealed in my heart is ugly and shameful.

i want to yell and scream unkind things at my sweet girls when they are acting crazy. when they yell unloving things at me i want to say the same things back. i am ashamed at my own anger and hatred that i feel in the heat of frustration.

who knew there was such sin in my heart? and toward my own children of all people? thankfully as the Lord gently reveals my sin to me by using my children, He is also using his Holy Spirit to keep me from doing something or saying something i might truly regret.

and then this is all just a parallel to how i am towards God. my heart disobeys, whines, throws fits, acts nasty. thankfully God doesn't respond to me like i often do to my girls. he is always gracious, patient, loving, and forgiving.

i wonder when we will get through this phase of crazy children and crazy parents. after all five of us learn obedience and have soft hearts? isn't that sanctification? oh dear, there will always be something in my life to stretch me and grow me until either Jesus comes back or i die!

thank you Jesus for growing me (and shaun) and for your Holy Spirit to keep us sane.

parenting is hard. pass the wine.